


The Four Humans Gruff

by Violet_CLM



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Fairy Tales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-11
Updated: 2011-04-11
Packaged: 2017-10-17 22:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/181875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet_CLM/pseuds/Violet_CLM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Jade and Rose and Dave were sent by their guardians to go pick fresh herbs in the forest. On the way back to their village was a long bridge that was so very narrow and fragile that only one human could cross it a time. And living under this bridge was a big scary troll named Karkat! There was no food he liked better than humans. Rated T for Karkat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Four Humans Gruff

Once upon a time there were four humans named John and Jade and Rose and Dave who were sent by their guardians to go pick fresh herbs in the forest. They all worked very hard, and when the sun began to set, they came together to go back home to the village where they lived.

Now, on the way back to their village was a long bridge that was so very narrow and fragile that only one human could cross it a time. And living under this bridge was a big scary troll named Karkat! Karkat had big sharp teeth and scary gray skin and tiny little horns, and there was no food he liked better than humans. Whenever humans crossed the bridge when it was dark out (because trolls can't stand the sunlight!) he would crawl out from underneath and eat them up. But the humans had no idea that the scary troll lived underneath the bridge.

The first to cross the bridge was the Dave human, and he walked across it very casually. When he reached the middle of the bridge, the hungry troll climbed up onto the bridge to meet him. The troll said, "HEY, FUCKASS, DON'T BOTHER PRAYING TO WHATEVER STUPID FUCKING HUMAN GODS YOU WORSHIP, BECAUSE I AM YOUR TRUE GOD AND I'M ABOUT TO EAT YOU RIGHT HERE."

The Dave human was very cool and told Karkat, "nah man you dont wanna do that cause im totally malnutritioned and bony and all that shit but my main man john is coming over next and he basically lives on cakes so you should probably eat him instead"

The hungry troll liked the sound of this, so he let the Dave human go, and crawled back underneath the bridge again! Next came the John human, walking very jauntily, and again the troll clambered onto the bridge to face him. "OKAY, WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO HERE IS I'M GOING TO FUCKING EAT YOU AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TRY TO DISSUADE ME WITH ANY FUCKING TALK OF FATTER HUMANS OR ANYTHING, GOT THAT?" said the troll, and he bared his sharp pointy teeth.

The troll was very scary, but the John human didn't know how to be afraid of anything! "oh man ive never met a troll before!" he said and did a kind of dance around the bridge to look at Karkat from more angles. "do you really eat humans? hahaha man that is so gross! or i guess i dunno its probably not gross for you but it sure sounds pretty silly to me! youre really committed to this whole troll thing though so hey respect to you dude!"

The troll growled angrily and thought maybe it should let the John human cross the bridge. "ERGH, JUST, SHUT UP ALREADY," it said, and made a scowly face. "YOU ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID I BET I WOULD GET DUMBER JUST BY EATING YOU. LOOK, THE NEXT ONE OF YOU ASS UGLY HUMANS, IS IT NICE AND FAT?"

The John human looked back across the bridge to see which one of his friends was coming next. "you mean rose? hehe well since you ask i guess she could stand to lose a few pounds! her mom is pretty well off i guess and feeds her well but shes not huge or anything! you wont tell her i said that or anything right?"

Instead of answering, the troll crawled back under the bridge, and the John human shrugged and went his merry way. The next human to come along was the one named Rose, and when it reached the center of the bridge, Karkat climbed up to meet her. "OKAY, LET'S NOT DO THE GODDAMN TALKY THING THIS TIME," he said, and flexed his arm muscles. "YOU, FOOD. ME, TROLL. IS THIS GOING TO HAVE TO BE A FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE?"

The Rose human too was not afraid, but looked at the troll and said, "Fascinating.

"Do you know, I have never met a troll before? I mean, I've certainly heard of your species, bizarre as it seems from an evolutionary perspective, but I always assumed my mother was simply making you up in an attempt to frighten me. She is a devious one to be sure and I did not hesitate to attribute such falsehoods to her, which I suppose must say something about me as a daughter. And yet here you are standing on this bridge expressing a heated desire to consume me for my debatable nutritional value.

"Those horns on your head are remarkably small, by the way. I had thought that most species with horns evolved those for the purposes of sexual selection, but surely that typically favors those animals with the largest horns, not the smallest? Of course, that leads to the inevitable hypothesis that you are an unfit member of your species and unlikely to survive to reproduce your genes in the next generation. I mean no offense, of course, I am merely making an observation based on your nublike phenotype. Further support of my hypothesis derives from the fact that you apparently live alone under a bridge rather than enjoying the companionship of your own kind.

"And now it seems that you are picking me up and walking across the bridge with me as your freight. Is this a mating ritual? If so, I must most respectfully decline, for a relationship with a member of another species has never especially appealed to me, even despite the shock it would inevitably bring to my mother. And yet my dubiously heartfelt entreaty brings no relief from your unflinching stride. Perhaps you are intending to carry through with your original plan to employ me as your supper, although I should give you fair warning that I hardly intend to play into the role of 'damsel in distress' should that indeed be your intent.

"I see. You have deposited me in the very spot whither I was originally bound before our chance encounter and are now stalking moodily back to your dwelling spot. I do apologize if my words have in any way failed to endear me to you or convinced you that I would not make an appealing meal. Please do not take my words as a slight against your species; I do not find your gray skin at all displeasing and might indeed welcome one of your kind into my circle of friends, although such a troll should of necessity be endowed with a better sense of fashionable attire than I fear you possess. Well, I must to my mother's - goodbye!"

Meanwhile the troll, who was by now very hungry indeed, had returned to the center of the bridge. At last the Jade human came up to him, and she was very saccharine. Karkat climbed up in front of her and spat out a few short sentences. "YOU ARE A HUMAN AND I WILL EAT YOU NOW. DO NOT SAY ONE FUCKING WORD."

"omigosh those are the cutest horns i have ever seen!!!" said the Jade human and ran forward to play with them, forgetting her herbs entirely. "and your teeth! and oh gosh if you are hungry dont worry about that i can just irradiate you a steak or something :PP but you have to come home to meet my grandfather, he loves strange creatures and you are so cute and strange but mostly cute i guess! <3"

The Jade human leaned forward and kissed the troll on the nose, and then took him back to her home in the village where she fed him everything he ever asked for. And the humans were all very happy, and if they're not yet dead, then I'll bet they're happy still. Karkat will tell you that he's angry, but if you ask him at the right time, when Jade has just fed him something and he's lying with his head in her lap and none of the other trolls from the forest have bothered him for a few days, then maybe, just maybe, you might catch a hint of a smile on his face too.


End file.
